‘Set fire to the rain’

I felt a bit low over the weekend.

My baby was poorly and just screamed at me for three days non stop. It started with him just being really unhappy, then he became really clingy, and then he wanted to be held but then cried as soon as I held him, but didn’t want to go to anyone else, not even my husband. Then he was burning to touch, then he stopped feeding and drinking. I’ll add that he had a virus, with a sore throat, and he’s all recovered. By the end of the first day I felt like he hated me. I felt like he was screaming at me because I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know what he wanted and I didn’t know how to make things better.

My breaking point was Saturday night where I want to put him to bed, and he refused a bottle. By this time, he hadn’t had any milk or water for over eleven hours. I was so desperate for him to feed. He started getting distressed even more as I persisted with putting the bottle near his mouth to encourage him, and I started getting distressed, begging him to feed. I wanted to scream at him, at me, at the situation. It was then that I decided that I was only upsetting us both, and I would bring him downstairs for my husband to put him to bed.

My husband took over and I sat on the sofa and sobbed. My baby refused to drink anything for my husband too, and he came down and asked if I was okay, I shouted at him that I wasn’t and to leave me alone, and I continued to cry. I decided that I wouldn’t relax until I got some advice. Cue ringing 111 who said he needed seeing within an hour in A&E, followed by sitting in the waiting room for five hours. The doctor was lovely, and quickly diagnosed inflamed tonsils and a virus. Obviously I was relieved it was nothing serious but I was also relieved that there was something wrong with him and he wasn’t just shouting at me because he hated me, it was because he was in pain and felt crappy.

The next morning I felt so guilty, and felt so much love for this little thing that didn’t know how to deal with how he was feeling and relied on me to hold it together and look after him.

What’s the point of this post? To write down how I felt over the weekend. The distress, the resentment, the sadness, the anger. The guilt. But also, that I’m only human and all those emotions were natural.

I’ve felt a bit like nursery get the best of him, and by the time I finish work for the week, he’s over tired, ill and grumpy.

Major shout out to my husband. I’m usually the level headed one who keeps my cool, but he was the one who supported me and kept things going. ♥️

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‘I’m thankful for the love that you keep bringing in my life’

Here’s my letter to you my sweet boy.

Ten and a half months we have spent together. Ten and a half months of memories that I will treasure forever. The happiest ten and a half months of my life.

Tomorrow things change. I go back to work and you go to nursery. But it’s only for three days a week, and those other four days we will continue to make new memories together. I promise. This is our new adventure, it’s different, and it may not be the adventure we would choose, but I promise we will make the most of every moment we have together.

I look back on our time together so far, and don’t have any regrets. I truly feel like we have made the most of every single day.

Thank you for making me appreciate life so much more. I’ve never been a morning person, but I can’t wait to get up and see your smiley face (once you’ve had milk anyway, until then you are HANGRY). The aquarium, a place I had never been bothered by before, but watching your face light up and your eyes follow the fish, it made me see it all in a whole different way. And that’s what you do every single day.

I also love discovering all the things that we both love: music, being outside, cheese puffs. You have made me love them even more than I already did. I can’t wait to show you even more of the world, and for you to continue to show me to look at everything differently.

I’ve found these past few weeks tough. Very tough. But only because I have had the best time spending every day with you. Luckily, I have had so much support and love, support and love you will have because they all love you too.

You have made these ten and a half months the best months of my life. You have brought me so much happiness. So let’s start our new chapter together, and continue this wonderful journey we are on. I love you sweet boy. More than you will ever know.

‘It’s the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do’

I might miss his first proper word, his first steps. I won’t be there when he hurts himself and wants to be held, or when he wakes from a nap and his smile when you walk in to get him. Or when there is music playing and he watches to see if your bouncing along with him. I won’t be there when he learns something new and he wants to do it over and over again, which is currently putting balls in any type of container. What about when he discovers that this toy can make a noise too when shaken, or how loud it is when banged against something. Or how his face lights up when you have a conversation with him, or copy something he’s doing, like hitting balloons. I won’t be there when he curls up in your arms; the only time he curls up in your arms; to have his bottle. I won’t be the one he’s having all his first experiences with, the one he’s discovering the world with. He’ll be living a different life without me.

What if he looks for me and I’m not there. What will run through his mind. Will he understand that I have no choice but to go to work or will he think I’ve abandoned him. Will he know that everything I do is for him and us, to make our lives the best they can be even if it doesn’t feel like it right now?

Will he remember me when I walk through the door to pick him up. Will he forgive me. Will he be proud of me. Will he still love me.

‘Everything is changing’

One month tomorrow.

One month tomorrow and my life changes. Again. I will have a new normal.

But yet, life feels like it is already starting to change. It doesn’t feel the same as a month ago, two months ago, six months ago.

Everything feels a bit pressured and there’s seems to be an urgency. An urgency to cram everything in. An urgency to spend as much time together as possible. An urgency to hold on to this moment forever.

I feel panicked. I feel emotional. I feel sad.

Sad that my maternity is coming to an end, that my current normal is coming to end and I don’t feel like I can enjoy these final moments because all I can think about is that these are the final moments. The last time I can pop over next door first thing in the morning, the last time I can spontaneously walk out of my front door and ten minutes later be walking with friends and our pushchairs. The last time that plans can be made without thinking about what days people are working. The last time I can spend all day sitting and staring at my beautiful baby and not having any other cares in the world.

I wish, more than anything, that I can stop things from changing. I wish I could stay at home with my baby, I wish my friends weren’t going back to work, I wish my friend wasn’t moving. I wish, I wish, I wish.

I have been living my best life. Spending all day every day with my baby, with my friends and with family. Being paid to stay at home (though not much granted, but when else will I be paid to stay at home?). How can life get any better than how it is right now.

and that’s what I’m struggling with.

When is my life ever going to be as good as it is right now?

It sounds dramatic, and maybe a bit ridiculous but I don’t care. It’s how I feel, and I guess I need to accept that my new normal may not be as happy or as perfect as my normal now, but there will still be happiness and perfect moments.

For now though, I’m going to cry, I’m going wallow and I’m going to let myself feel like crap. Because that’s okay too.

‘Let’s go to the beach, beach’

There’s something magical about being on holiday.

Your world becomes very small and just contains those immediately around you. All those problems and worries in your ‘real life’ just don’t exist.

My biggest worry has been ‘when did the baby last have suncream on’ and ‘where shall we eat tonight’. Even the day to day stresses don’t affect me as much, lack of sleep, ill baby, sickness. So what!

Life is so simple, so peaceful and so perfect.

It’s like those worries don’t exist, and it’s been so nice to have a break from overthinking.

One of the things I attribute it too is the amount of time spent outdoors. I’m a big outdoors person anyway and there’s nothing more I love than a picnic in the park or a pretty walk. Here we have got up each morning and walked to the bakery to get breakfast, we’ve wandered all the little streets and we’ve sat outside first thing and last thing playing on the grass before putting him to bed and enjoying eating outside. He’s definitely been happier for it, and it’s something I want to do more at home, just to be outside as much as possible.

Also the sunshine helps. I’m definitely happier at home when the sun is shining, but being here with the sun, my loved ones and next to the sea. It couldn’t get more perfect.

My most favourite place to be in all the world is to stand on the beach, at the edge of the sea and just look out into the openness. It reminds me that anything is possible and all my worries are so small in the grand scheme of things. Cheesey but it makes me happy.

It’s our last proper day and already all those worries and real life stresses are creeping back in. Next Saturday marks one month until I’m back at work and so I can’t stop thinking about my maternity coming to an end and my life changing, but for now I’m going to try and ignore it all and enjoy my fairytale world a little bit longer.

‘Things can only get better, Can only get better if we see it through’

Wow. So the last few weeks have been tough. Some of the toughest I think I’ve experienced to date. When I break it down, individually everything that’s happened/is happening probably isn’t that big a deal, but combined have made for one emotional Mumma. I genuinely feel like I’ve been battered from every direction, family, friends, work and motherhood.

Some days I’ve felt a bit like my world is falling apart and I’m sinking into a dark hole where I cannot see any light. I just couldn’t see how any of it was going to get better. What I’m realising is that maybe it doesn’t ‘get better’, I just get better at dealing with it.

One of the things I’ve struggled with most is feeling like I’m not good enough. Like I’m not a good enough friend, a good enough daughter or sister, a good enough wife, or a good enough mother. I’ve felt selfish and just a bit of a rubbish person.

I don’t know if it’s coincidence and bad timing or he just knows, but my delightful, happy baby has turned into a beast. Teething, poorly, growth spurt, leap, learning to crawl, separation anxiety, I’ve thrown every excuse at his monstrous behaviour (though I do genuinely believe he’s very frustrated at not being able to crawl). I’ll be honest, I have not enjoyed being a Mumma these past few weeks. I’ve wished more than anything I could call in sick and curl up in bed for a few days. On reflection I think that he has picked up on how I’ve been feeling, which is rubbish and I hate that I haven’t been able to hide it from him.

I wasn’t a major fan of those first few weeks, but from then until seven months old, I’ve thought this parenting malarkey was easy. Properly easy. My baby sleeps, he doesn’t cry, loves food. These past few weeks have been a wake up call. I’ve said multiple times that my baby is broken. What I’ve learnt is that everything is a phase if you can hang in there long enough (Thanks Sarah!).

@thehobbitsandme said something the other days that’s really stuck with me. You don’t have to enjoy every precious moment. Only a few. And that is enough to make it a good day.

Every one of the things that have upset or affected me these past few weeks are still there. But they aren’t going define my day, my baby’s laugh, or seeing a loved ones face, or being silly with my friend and her child, or a kiss and cuddle from my husband, those are the things that are going define my day.

‘You can count on me like 1, 2, 3’

To my best friend’s child,

I hope you will always know how much I love you. You are not mine, but I love you like you are. You are not my family by blood, but you are by choice, and that basically means you’re stuck with me forever. You are my best friend’s baby and that means you own a piece of my heart and you always will.

I am your biggest fan, and I promise to always be there cheering you on. I am loving every minute of watching the person you are becoming. I love the way you smile and the way you laugh. I love all your different expressions, when you’re thinking, when you’re telling jokes, when you’re concentrating and even when you’re sad. You are the sweetest, kindest, funniest child, and you bring a warmth whenever you are around. I love how I see glimpses of your mumma in you and the things you do, like when you eat an ice lolly – and yes I still love you, despite this.

My child has your mumma, and you have me. I trust her to love my child like her own, and she trusts me to do the same. When life gets hard or complicated, I will always be there for you. You will always be the green grape to my red grape. As you grow older, if you ever butt heads with your Mumma – I don’t want to call myself an expert but well, I am an expert on your Mumma, and she’s an expert on me.

You better believe I am going to cry my eyes out at every major event in your life. I’ll be right there beside your Mumma. Don’t even get me started on the day you get married or when you hold your own baby in your arms. You are going to do great things and I cannot wait to watch it all.

I am invested, and I am here for the long haul.

Your Mumma is stuck with me, and so are you.

I love you.