I felt a bit low over the weekend.
My baby was poorly and just screamed at me for three days non stop. It started with him just being really unhappy, then he became really clingy, and then he wanted to be held but then cried as soon as I held him, but didn’t want to go to anyone else, not even my husband. Then he was burning to touch, then he stopped feeding and drinking. I’ll add that he had a virus, with a sore throat, and he’s all recovered. By the end of the first day I felt like he hated me. I felt like he was screaming at me because I didn’t know what was wrong, I didn’t know what he wanted and I didn’t know how to make things better.
My breaking point was Saturday night where I want to put him to bed, and he refused a bottle. By this time, he hadn’t had any milk or water for over eleven hours. I was so desperate for him to feed. He started getting distressed even more as I persisted with putting the bottle near his mouth to encourage him, and I started getting distressed, begging him to feed. I wanted to scream at him, at me, at the situation. It was then that I decided that I was only upsetting us both, and I would bring him downstairs for my husband to put him to bed.
My husband took over and I sat on the sofa and sobbed. My baby refused to drink anything for my husband too, and he came down and asked if I was okay, I shouted at him that I wasn’t and to leave me alone, and I continued to cry. I decided that I wouldn’t relax until I got some advice. Cue ringing 111 who said he needed seeing within an hour in A&E, followed by sitting in the waiting room for five hours. The doctor was lovely, and quickly diagnosed inflamed tonsils and a virus. Obviously I was relieved it was nothing serious but I was also relieved that there was something wrong with him and he wasn’t just shouting at me because he hated me, it was because he was in pain and felt crappy.
The next morning I felt so guilty, and felt so much love for this little thing that didn’t know how to deal with how he was feeling and relied on me to hold it together and look after him.
What’s the point of this post? To write down how I felt over the weekend. The distress, the resentment, the sadness, the anger. The guilt. But also, that I’m only human and all those emotions were natural.
I’ve felt a bit like nursery get the best of him, and by the time I finish work for the week, he’s over tired, ill and grumpy.
Major shout out to my husband. I’m usually the level headed one who keeps my cool, but he was the one who supported me and kept things going. ♥️